Paper Bag on My Head
I know what you’re thinking. This is a fat-shaming blog today. There you’d be wrong. The owls are not what they seem.
Above is just an innocent photo of my latest round of GF PB cookies. It’s not that I care about gluten, it’s that I care about “taste enjoyment” and I don’t want flour to get in the way of my peanut butter.
You see, I’m goal-oriented. I’ll tie the paper bag in below, but first, my cookie recipe:
Flourless PB Cookie Recipe
2 Cups PB (450-600g)
HINT: don’t use that hippie-crap PB which is just peanuts and nothing else smushed together, the cookies don’t hold well. Use some commercially produced garbage PB, crunchy is best.
PS for those now offended, I actually LOVE hippie-crap PB and it’s my stress-food of choice, but it’s horrid in this recipe. Hippie-crap PB is for eating from a spoon, standing up, in the kitchen, weeping. Trust me on this.
2 Cups “white death” granulated sugar (450g)
For those wanting a “purer” and “healthier” sugar, go for it. Brown sugar won’t leave these babies crispy though. And frankly, this is a peanut butter cookie recipe. If you want healthy, make a salad. I regret I have no recipes for salads. Actually, scratch that. I have no regrets.
For my vegan friend(s), use smushed up flax seed. For those watching their cholesterol, try egg whites. They’ll do. I can respect that.
2 tsp baking soda
Seriously? You want to get rid of the sodium? Eat an apple already, although they are kinda useless on the good-fruit scale. The sodium’s not there because late-model Western capitalism has taught us to love salt; it’s there to change the acidity of the mixture, make little bubbles, and help the cookies rise. Leave the sodium alone. Just eat one cookie and make a burnt offering later in the backyard.
1 humongous pinch o’ salt
Live a little.
1 tsp (give or take) of vanilla extract
Artificial vanilla tastes like arse. Get the real stuff. Don’t be cheap.
- Preheat oven to 350F (176C) OR just eat the batter and hang the baking. C’mon, don’t be a scaredy-cat. You know you wanna.
- Since this is a cookie recipe, it’s same old same old: CREAM fat w/ sugar and egg.
- THROW in salty things and vanilla.
- FORM balls (big or small, I don’t judge) and drop said balls onto greased sheet. Despite the high fat content, these babies will sometimes stick.
- PRESS the balls with a fork. Tee hee. I said balls again.
- Personal choice: SPRINKLE tops of pressed cookies with granulated sugar. Makes the tops nice and crispy and adds to the twitch-boost of the cookies. You know you’re stress-eating. Adjust accordingly.
- BAKE for 8-11 minutes, depending on size of cookies and proclivity of oven. Or see note above: eat the dough.
- When cookies go “ping”, REMOVE them from the oven but LET THEM STAND a few mins on the sheet before transferring to a cooling rack. These babies will crumble.
This recipe yield depends on the size of your cookies.
And you thought I would say the b-word again, shame on you!
- 25-40 normal-ish cookies (whatever your normal is).
- Or 12 menopausal cookies (because you ate the dough).
- Those PMSing may want to add chocolate chips. For you gals, these make not-enough.
- 64 husband cookies (they always say they’re on a diet but they aren’t and they always want to eat the “small ones”. But then they eat ALL the cookies and never EVER gain a rackin-frackin’ pound).
And now back to our regularly scheduled blog. Oh wait. Too late. It’s time for elevenses!
Kidding. Would I do that?
I’m finally making progress on my travesty, now a mystery. Thanks to wonderful suggestions from my friends at Romance Writers Weekly, my evil twin Terri L Austin (follow her on twitter because she’s awesome, and the doinks at #SouthernCharm have blocked her), and my good twin, Paula Tiberius.
I’ve transcended my self-loathing and moved into the realm of productive edit-free writing and plotting.
Here are some random sentences from The Paper Bag Party:
- We spent the earlier part of the evening making our bags.
- As the major domo, for lack of a better word (decked out as Bruce Willis in Moonlighting) intoned the rules: no cell phones, no fighting, no drugs and alcohol, and directions of fire exits, public use bathrooms (male, female, trans, and indifferent), I was overcome with a dark and stormy case of the fantods.
- The drive home was subdued and we both knew Netflix wasn’t happening tonight.
- But of course, one doesn’t use cyanoacrylate in glue guns, does one?
- I wasted no time pulling the man from cubicle into the harsh light of the Louis XIV powder room.
You can see where plotting vs pantsing really does help the narrative.
And now, back to my cookies.
I mean, writing. Yeah, that’s the ticket. (Sweetie, if you’re reading this: those are the cookies from last week. I just used them today for the blog. I didn’t make another batch so please don’t look for cookies when you come home because there aren’t any, sorry.)
Hope he buys that. Sucka! Nom nom nom.
My Reading List
I’ve been asked to go back to listing what I’m reading these days. This pretty much covers the last four weeks:
Ann Charles: The Jackrabbit Junction Series and Deadwood Series (cozy mystery)
Sarah Hegger: Nobody’s Angel (she has a GoodReads giveaway going on) (contemporary romance)
A.S. Fenichel: End of Days Trilogy (paranormal romance)
New Scientist: From absolute zero to cosmic oblivion? amazing insights into nothingness (non-fiction, science)
Collette Cameron: Castle Brides Series (historical romance)
Lariss Reinhart: Death in Perspective (cozy mystery) #TeamMax!
Linda Joyce: Fleur de Lis Series (contemporary romance)